for kim, who injured herself and lived to blog about it

so i had breakfast with my pal kim this morning, and we were joking about our blogs and how most of everything that happens to us ends up posted in cyberspace for any number of random strangers (well, and friends too). anyway, at the time i hadn't read her post yesterday about her accident-prone day, so i thought i'd illustrate it for her now.
ps. i laughed out loud when i drew this, which is sort of embarrassing.
pps. yes, i know i didn't draw the reflection in the mirror. i am lazy.

a video

public service announcement: okay, so carson made me watch this, and now i'm making you watch it, because it's really great and everyone should watch this. ken robinson addresses creativity in schools, and he is actually really funny too.

saint nick comes tonight, whoever he is

oh man, I DON'T KNOW! so, okay, tonight (Dec. 5th), saint nick comes to put a couple little treats (usually candy, a little toy, and an orange) in your stocking if you have been good. if not you get coal (for making a snowman! yay!), OR (so i've read) if you've been very bad, a spanking, and if you've been REALLY bad, he will take you away in a sack. sleep tight, kids!
anyhoo, we've always celebrated st nick's growing up (apparently a regional thing, who knew?) but i don't know: are saint nick and santa claus the same? or are they pals? brothers? acquaintances? rivals? saint nicholas rides a white horse, santa has a sleigh with reindeer. cripes. i think i'm going with brothers (which i have just totally made up). is it too early for egg nog?
help me out, people!!

ebay christmas

that little brother is costing me more than he's worth these days. (or so it would seem.)

lullaby of the inept mother

i am on baby #3 and my repertoire consists of a few commercial jingles and the "banana splits" theme. sometimes i actually make them start crying when i sing.

another body-image rant

OK, I am NOT making this up. There is a new body design for our old pal Barbie® called the "Model Muse®" body (see it here) that is literally grotesquely skeletal. Um, WHAT? A Barbie® with actual thighs was too much? Did they look at this and say "THAT'S what we need to sell to young girls!" ??
(And as my sister-in-law observed, "Ken would be sad.")
I am going to eat a donut now. For Barbie®.
ALSO: I just noticed the Illustration Friday topic for today is excess, which fits for this too! OMG! And I just did a blog search for "model muse Barbie" and came up with this and this. All right, girls!!

my apologies to dr seuss, and also my husband

he actually got through the whole book, which is better than i would have done.

the monkey house

for illustration friday, "zoo"

tina pitches her show

also i drew this while holding a large infant.
p.s. jill talley would be perfect!

my children's book

my husband suggested i write a children's book based on my "tina" character.

rain cloud

rejection letter season always seems to follow self-promotion season. lots of completely valid constructive criticism ("keep going!"). but everything comes out cute. i'll never be a lisbeth zwerger. or vince waller (dang). the best i have to hope for is emulating someone who mashed their hands in a waffle iron.

beat poetry for moms

also submitting to illustration friday- hey, there are hats...

HEY EVERYBODY

ugh, i HATE having to look for work. why can't people just magically find me? i'm actually embarrassed that my "serious" portfolio url is my actual name.com, it seems so egomaniacal. sigh.

the horror!

it's getting to be that time...

it is starting to get cold at night...the date the heat is officially turned on for the season in your house is a matter of pride here (okay, so, there isn't much else going on). at the grocery store, you can hear strangers comparing notes: "it was so cold last night i almost turned the heat on!" (it was 38!)

he only likes me for my glasses

okay, i'm exaggerating. with my glasses off, the baby is just a fleshy blob. actually, he's pretty much just a fleshy blob anyway. never mind.

a multi-panel extravaganza!

epic! it was too much to fit on one post-it...click to enlarge.

things that happen in my house, part 400

this one is for my pal kim, who enjoys my misery and liked this story. also, thanks for the mention on the etsy forums, between that & the poor souls who stumble across my blog after googling "breast implants" (see previous posts for my series on homemade breast implants) i hope to brighten someone's day, somewhere.

if you're out there, Carrie Fisher, thanks a LOT

(don't tell the baby this actually happened)

hey, mom

i was actually yelling "THERE IS NO SHOUTING IN THIS HOUSE" which is what i say every ten minutes.
sorry, this is a pretty bad drawing, but i drew it while holding a writhing infant, so, you know.

it's love your body day!

hello, sailor! okay, so i was reading jezebel.com this morning, and came across this post:
http://jezebel.com/gossip/body-issues/love-your-body-even-if-its-shaped-like-a-brick-312404.php
it's about the "new" 12 female body shapes (from the uk, so they have cute names like "skittle") and, you know, what to wear to hide your shame. (news flash: i'm STILL a "pear," albeit with dainty ankles.) so i figured since most of my gags revolve around my, um, figure, it was only fitting i honor this i'm-totally-not-making-this-up day.
also, i have to stop showing this blog to my poor, horrified husband, because after he saw this drawing he just covered his face with his hands and said "oh my god" very quietly.

let's find a job-2007 edition

looking for work again...and suddenly i feel about 6000 years old. does being funny, or like, able to draw count for anything? also, i miss doing stop-motion animation.

baby weight

fat wonderwoman revisited

Yay! The very funny Fat Wonderwoman Blog posted another one of my terrible post-its. (Actually, I did this in Corel Painter, so it's a fauxt-it?)
Below is this first one I did for them. I heart McGriddles.

mom face

i've realized that, really, the only time i'm not clenching my teeth is when i'm yelling. because even if one of the kids is actually being good, that means another one is not...
p.s. if you tilt your head, the drawing on the right is also what i look like when i'm sleeping.

advice for breastfeeding mothers

armchair parenting

(the dialogue is meant to be read like an auctioneer)
so, my back is still bothering me and this is what my day looks like.

grocery shopping

my sincere apologies to Frida Kahlo

okay, so, my back has gone out for the third time in two weeks.

i need a drink

okay, so i hate drawing cars

(censored language)
my boss tries to teach me how to draw cars
fin.

please send me a job

what?

my boss is mean (a recurring theme)

squelch those happy thoughts

pregnancy (a series)

My baby is just as good as your baby...

the anti-hug force field

I used to have personal space issues...

the ultrasound

and where did I set my coffee?

new baby (a series)

the owner's manual

it's hereditary

Tina vs Elvgren (my apologies)

the best gift ever

okay, so my husband just gave me the coolest thing in the universe, it is a toothbrush that plays "rock n roll all night" (the best song ever!) by KISS (i am not making this up, look)
AND the sound comes out of the brush head itself, so the music literally plays inside your head. anyway, it's supposed to get you to brush for 2 full minutes, but the irony is, as a haggard parent, i don't get 2 minutes to myself for anything. fortunately, i can't hear anything else while using it...
ps. i awkwardly drew this on the computer tablet while holding the baby. see above comment.

safe swearing

must...maintain...composure in front of...children... (i actually did this one sort-of recently, compared to the others from a few years ago...these aren't posted in order)

ice cream is the new alcohol

because sugar overload is okay while pregnant...